From the Beginning...

It's taken me nearly four weeks to start this blog.  I've contemplated starting it on numerous occasions; what to write, how to write, yet I never wrote.  On top of that, I never knew where to start.  Especially now, since I've been inpatient close to a month, I keep thinking I should have at least started taking notes from day one so I could eventually formally post something, but I never did that either.  And for that, I blame denial.  Now I have to see what my baby brain will actually remember! 

I feel as though maybe I've finally accepted this new (temporary) life of mine, so I've decided to start from the beginning.  Not the beginning of my hospital admittance, but rather the beginning of our momo journey...

As the majority of you know, Josh and I are newlyweds of just over three months now.  And most of you probably put two and two together and figured out why the speedy wedding.  We initially found out we were pregnant in July and got engaged shortly thereafter (I honestly didn't see it coming, as much as we had talked about it...odd I know, considering how marrying the man of my dreams occupied every single thought of mine).  I decided that I wanted to get married before the "baby" and I definitely wanted to get hitched before I was showing so I could still fit into a somewhat figure flattering dress and not some empire waisted, baby doll design (while I'm sure it looks great on some woman, guaranteed, it would have not flattered me). 

I was left with about six weeks to plan the wedding.  (See, Josh and I really like to jump in with both feet!)  If I only knew what I was getting into, I may have just waited!  Being extremely nauseous throughout the planning was not what I had in mind.  I literally could not think of anything else except how sick I was.  From waking up to falling asleep, I started to wonder why I got myself into this!  My girlfriends were always offering to lend a hand in any which way they could, (guaranteed if you ask any of them they would tell you that I was a very independent non-bridezilla) but me, being the stubborn, want-to-do-everything-solo bride, did just that.  I sure do wish I asked for more help now that I look back on it, as it would have helped me out wonders. One of my weaknesses, which in the next few months will need to change! 

In the end, the nausea cleared up and on October 1st, 2011, we had the most fabulous wedding (well, it wasn't Thailand) that I could have asked for.  A day filled with love, laughter, family and friends.  It was perfect.  And of course, my fantastic man made my whole world and dreams come true by saying I do that day.  Let the rollercoaster ride begin! (Or continue?)

I remember talking to my mom one day shortly before the wedding and she informed me that her father was a twin, to which I responded, "holy @$&*, maybe this would have been something I should have known about before?"  But she swore she told me years ago.  I didn't remember (or chose not to listen...as I am notorious for zoning out).  Obviously not significant enough news to me back then.  Since that day I couldn't stop thinking about the possibilty of there being more than one, all the while trying to convince myself that there's only one.  Twins wouldn't happen to us.  Josh, on the other hand, was mentally preparing himself if that were indeed the case; "if it's going to happen to someone, it'll happen to me!"  Clue #1.

We saw our GP before our first scheduled ultrasound and I remember him saying that I was either further along than I thought (impossible - I keep track of these things) or I have a "big baby" (how fun, a 10 pounder I thought to myself).  Clue #2.

Our GP ordered a complete scan once I hit 18 weeks.  Josh had to wait in the waiting room until the tech was finished her scan, and only then could he come in.  I guess they need to concentrate while they take all the measurements, etc.  The entire time I lay on the bed, I couldn't help but wonder if there was two.  I mean, why else would she be taking so long?  I had to pee so bad!  She left the room to check on something, so naturally, I took a peek at the screen.  Then I saw it...two white circles.  Oh. My. God.  Even then, I was trying to convince myself that wasn't what it looked like.  I don't know what I'm looking at, I don't know what I'm looking for!  That's when the panic set in.  Clue #3.

Finally, after an hour and a half, Josh was called in.  Poor guy, probably sitting out there wondering what the heck is going on with his wife.  The clinic staff were shutting off lights and leaving for the day....what would have been going through his head?  The tech asks if twins run in my family.  Ummmm.....yaaaahhhh......(voice shaking). "Well, you've got two in there!!"  Holy @$&*.

Josh, being the calm man he is, surely expecting it because as he has obviously prepared himself for the news, smiled and handled himself appropriately.  Me, well, any of you who truly know me, know how much I loathe drama, however I have been known to be slightly dramatic myself at times (not enough to be labelled a hyprocrite though), and of course, only when the situation warrants such behaviour.  I think this situation definitely warranted such behaviour! 

I couldn't contain myself.  I sobbed...some might say hysterically, but I don't think it was quite that extreme.  I can't even tell you the emotion I was experiencing.  I don't even know what I was feeling.  It was everything.  All at once.  Every emotion that one could imagine when receiving such news, flowed.  From my eyes, my nose, my throat.  I was shaking uncontrollably.  It was surreal.  I can honestly say that was the first time I have ever experienced  feeling something like "that". (I have to call it "that" because I don't know how else to label it.)  How's that for dramatic?

Of course I was happy! I was elated....wow, twins.  Are you freaking kidding me?  I calmed down after a few minutes because the tech told me I needed to stay still so she could show us the scans.  There they were...two itty bitty babies. 

Baby A (aka Eva) 18 weeks 1 day

Baby B (aka Emma) 18 weeks 1 day

I asked her if she could tell whether they were fraternal or identical (not even knowing what was classified as either).  She said they looked identical because it appeared as though they were in the same sac.  I didn't think anything of it.  "Same sac."  Hm.  Off we went to spread the news...we're going to be the proud parents of two! (What blog wouldn't be complete without a little rhyme right?)

About a week later we had our first appointment with our OB-GYN. Oh, how I love her.  She was great.  Everything was great.  She explained to us what the radiologist reported of our ultrasound, that they were mono-amniotic, mono-chorionic.  What does that even mean? (Refer to first blog post.)  Apparently the radiologist was contradicting in his report, so she wanted to clarify if in fact mono-mono was our case.  So we waited for confirmation, all the while hoping he was indeed contradictive, that there was a membrane separating our girls.

While waiting for the call, I researched everything I possibly could on mono-mono twins.  Bad, bad idea. Why didn't anyone tell me that the internet was so evil before?! The statistics horrified me.  I was scared and not hopeful.  Glass half empty for this gal.

I remember getting the dreaded confirmation call from our OB-GYN while out for a work lunch.  I excused myself and it was a while before I could collect my emotions enough to return to the table.  She explained everything to me and informed me that I would be going down to Victoria to see a perinatologist (an obstetrician who specializes in high risk pregnancies) to confirm mono-mono.  There was still a chance they could find a membrane though. 

A couple weeks went by and we finally made our way down to Victoria (November 23rd to be exact) for our ultrasound and consult with the perinatologist.  We got the news we didn't want.  But, it was what it was, and he advised us of our options, the offer of inpatient care at 25 weeks, at Hotel Victoria General.  I knew it was coming (because I read all about it) but I still couldn't hold back the tears.  Wow, how hard would that be?  Am I strong enough for that?  Why us?  I just wanted a normal pregnancy! 

Baby A (aka Eva) 21 weeks 2 days

Baby B (aka Emma) 21 weeks 2 days

Heads 21 weeks 2 days

At first, our plan was to go inpatient at 27 weeks, which was just after Christmas.  I felt as though our doctor was doing us a favour by letting me stay home to enjoy Christmas with my family before being held prisoner.  So we agreed to go inpatient on December 28th.  However, after a couple weeks of thinking 'why am I going inpatient at 27 weeks when viability is 25?', I phoned our doctor and told him I'd like to come in as soon as they reach viable age.  I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to my girls between weeks 25 and 27, simply because I was "enjoying my Christmas".  It was just one Christmas after all.

So that was that, inpatient was set for December 19th.  There was so much, too much, to do at home.  I was just entering that "nesting" phase I always thought was a myth (it's not) but unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to even remotely get anything done which I was hoping I would.  I ran around like a headless chicken for weeks, catching up on work and trying to get as much done as I could.  I was kicking myself for not doing these things earlier when I actually had loads of time but was simply too lazy.  Those days were sure to come to an end.  And quick.  I managed to get the future nursery (formerly known as my room...filled with, well, crap) cleaned out and ready for painting.  I also purged all my closets (and shoes!) with the help of my wonderful friends who kept me on track.  It had nothing to do with babies but I felt like I needed to introduce that bit of organization into my life as it was something that was nagging me for years.  I wanted to organize my whole house in time for babies, but in the end, I just had to accept the fact that babies don't care that my kitchen cupboards aren't organized. 

December 19th came and off we went, complete with my Thailand suitcase filled with what seemed like my entire wardrobe (what was left of it).  News flash, you don't need a whole heck of a lot for the hospital, but I had no idea what I was going to be able to do or not do or how cold or hot it was going to be, so I packed pretty much everything.  Now I know.  Not that I will ever find myself in this living arrangement again! (I sure hope not anyways).

Our appointment went well.  The girls were doing great.  They were gaining the appropriate amount of weight, they were roughly the same size (no signs of TTTS) and even though their cords were tangled, blood was flowing perfectly.  It was like they were made for this.  Well, I guess they pretty much were.